Chapter 1

Arma, TX

FEBRUARY 2016

HIS HAIR WAS A FIERY MESS, FACE FLUSHED WITH EXERTION. HE TOWERED OVER the other two with a triumphant smirk, leaning his weight against a row of lockers. Even though he’d won, the fight had clearly left him breathless. He’d taken on two of his classmates, after all. Not a small feat, although this was Buck. Such an outcome was expected.

A small crowd had gathered around him, mindful not to obstruct Russell’s view of it. They noticed him despite his distance. Shock kept Russell from reacting right away, focused on the bruises that blossomed along Buck’s jaw and the drop of sweat that ran down his temple.

His sharp gaze found Russell with ease. “Well, I meant what I said.” Buck spoke loudly, addressing Russell in front of the crowd. He sluggishly pushed himself off the lockers. His clothes were wrinkled, T-shirt hugging him awkwardly around the waist. Russell focused on the rise and fall of his chest as he panted. “They’re right.”

“Yeah, no shit we’re right,” one of Buck’s classmates spat, getting back up. He touched his face where Buck had hit him. Russell was unable to recall his name.

The crowd turned to Russell, waiting for his judgment. Since Jack wasn’t around, it fell upon his right-hand man to administer a just punishment. Normally, that wasn’t an issue; he knew exactly how Jack would want him to deal with a fight like this. He’d handled Buck before. It was only that hearing Buck proudly claim the slurs that his two classmates had just thrown at him seemed, to Russell, to fall outside of his jurisdiction. That wasn’t how things were supposed to go.

Buck should’ve denied those allegations.

“Well, bless your heart, Buck. I don’t reckon you know what that means.”

A weak chuckle rippled through the crowd.

“Oh, I reckon.”

Russell’s eyebrows twitched. Why wasn’t Buck denying it? “You don’t mean that,” Russell deadpanned.

There was no humor in Buck’s features; the seriousness that fell over him was eerily uncharacteristic. His gaze pierced through Russell. “And if I do?” he challenged.

The crowd began to murmur. Disgust scrunched up their noses, disapproval in their gaze.

Russell’s inability to react was disquieting. He felt his heart begin to race. “Are ya tryna piss me off?” Frustration pinched his eyebrows together, voice close to shaking. He walked up to Buck before a proper response could come out of him, and fisting his T-shirt, slammed him against the lockers. “You ain’t gay!” he shouted.

Even though his performance was far too believable, it was only half-hearted. He didn’t feel any anger towards Buck right now, which was strange, because he’d never needed any reason to hate Buck before. It had always come naturally. This was the first time that hurting him didn’t feel right. Why? Panic surged up Russell’s chest and closed around his throat. Pulling Buck an inch off the lockers, Russell slammed him back against them. “Say it!” he shouted.

A slow smirk widened Buck’s lips. The violence didn’t faze him, already expected in the world they lived in. Russell couldn’t remember the last time they’d been on friendly terms. It must’ve been over a decade ago, before Buck had figured out that getting on Russell’s nerves was his favorite hobby.

“And lie?” Buck asked.

“Just say it!” His voice sounded too close to pleading, threatening to crack.

Something shifted within Buck. His smugness vanished, eyes flicking back and forth as he digested the look on Russell’s face, the fear that drained him of color. His eyebrows set.

“Say it,” Russell whispered, panting now. His knuckles dug into Buck’s chest. He’d never noticed the specks of green in Buck’s eyes, hazel rather than brown. A strangled sob came up his throat and died.

Still, Buck didn’t say it.

It was one of the teachers who broke them apart, ripping Russell off Buck as his fists tightened and nearly tore his shirt off. That was his last attempt to change his mind. In retrospect, he should’ve grabbed Buck by the shoulders and shaken him, tried harder, tried one last time. But he knew Buck wouldn’t give in. He never had. He’d rather welcome a world of pain than compromise his integrity. That was the most infuriating part about him, the part that Russell didn’t understand. What did he get out of such inflexibility? If he didn’t bend, then one day, he’d break.

In the end, no one got in trouble. When it came to Russell, any issue was as good as settled. He had about as much authority as Jack did, which put him at the same level as his teachers. Arma High had a unique hierarchy.

Since this particular case involved Buck, punishment was taken in increments. The scuffle between him and Russell earlier was just the beginning. They had a long history of much more violent fights for far less serious offenses, almost all of which Russell had won. He’d always found that curious, considering Buck was bigger than him. The principal did, however, bring them both into his office for an account of what had happened. After listening to Russell, his face darkened.

Russell felt compelled to take a step forward, clutching his trucker hat in both hands. “No need ta worry, Mr. Barnes; Buck was just playing,” he spoke while glancing at his classmate. “Right, Buck?”

Buck hesitated. “Right,” he reluctantly agreed.

“See?”

The principal glanced between them. His fingers were laced together, hiding his mouth behind them. After deliberating for a moment, he brought his hands down. “I wouldn’t like ta hafta call Ms. Lola in,” he threatened. “She’s a lovely lady, and busy too.”

“No, no. That ain’t necessary, sir,” Buck mumbled. “I’m real sorry.”

“Is there any merit to what those kids said? About that app?”

Buck turned away. “Um… yeah, it’s one a them dating apps.”

“For…?” Instead of finishing that sentence, the principal motioned to what he meant to say. His shoulders were uncomfortably tense, as if the mere thought of saying the word homosexuals was enough to make him unclean. “For those folks?”

Buck nodded. “That’s right.”

“Well, why in the world would ya download something like that?”

“I don’t know, sir. For the same reason Jason and Caleb did too?”

Oh, Jason and Caleb. Those were their names. They’d been in some of Russell’s classes last year, but hadn’t spoken to him much. He had a particular distaste for Jason; his loud and nasal voice got on his nerves.

“You watch your mouth, now, boy. What are ya implying?”

“Nothing, sir,” Buck quickly backpedaled. “I ain’t implying nothing.”

“Then you’d better delete that filth off your phone ‘fore I bother Ms. Lola with such an unpleasant talk.”

“Yessir.”

The principal turned to Russell next. “Does Jack know?”

He shuddered. “I reckon he does by now.”

“Should I call John?”

“No, Jack’ll tell him.”

The principal slowly nodded. “Alright, then. Y’all run along, now. I don’t wanna see your face back in my office this week, Buck, ya hear?”

“Yessir.” Buck nodded.

The first floor was mostly empty by the time they left; quiet chatter echoed in the distance. Russell simmered with rage. His gaze promptly found Buck, sharp under a scowl. Buck’s shoulders were lopsided, backpack hanging off a single strap as he rummaged through his pants pockets. His shirt collar had stretched from all the tugging earlier, red flannel hiding most of the wrinkles. He didn’t always wear white T-shirts. That was an odd observation to make, Russell thought, and odder yet was to think of how that shirt had hugged him earlier. That shouldn’t have made an impression, but it did. Russell decided not to ponder why.

Buck’s hair was still a bit messy, as if he’d only run his fingers through it once after the fight, and the bruise on his jaw had fully formed by now, a deep purple that colored the paleness of his skin. He was only a couple of inches taller than Russell, and yet, when they fought, that difference seemed to disappear.

His attention caught Buck’s eye.

“What do ya expect me ta say?” Buck started. “You should be asking Jason and Caleb what they were doing on that app. You already know why I was there.”

“Oh, drop the act, Buck. I ain’t buying it.”

“What act?”

“Hush your goddamn mouth, now.”

“Well, alright, but this ain’t no act. I meant what I told them.” Buck carelessly shrugged.

Russell shoved him. “Did ya!?”

The strength of his shove caused Buck to stumble back a step. “Yes!” he shouted, wide-eyed. His face had caught color in this meantime, just as bright as his hair.

Grabbing hold of Buck’s shirt again, Russell slammed him against the wall, only this time, something else burned in the pit of his stomach. That confession was the last thing he’d wanted to hear. He leaned over, breathing in the air that Buck huffed into his face. His arms trembled. “Do ya know what happens to people like you?” His voice was a whisper in the inch between them, terror cooling his veins.

Buck stared at him, cowering in fear. Then, as if remembering who he was talking to, he relaxed. That was the reaction Russell had expected all along. Had Buck feared him—truly feared him—he wouldn’t know how to proceed. It was Buck’s recklessness that got under his skin, treating Russell’s threats as toothless, because, in a way, they were. Russell had only meant them in the moment. Still, that didn’t make him harmless, and Buck knew that. He’d felt it. He’d worn the bruises.

A sly smirk curled Buck’s lips. “Remind me, Russ.”

Russell didn’t. The fire that burned inside him wasn’t bloodlust, and too afraid to act on it, he pulled away. His breath hitched. Why was Buck, of all people, affecting him in this way? No one should have that power, especially the most irresponsible guy he knew. He wished it’d been anybody else.

“You’ll hafta deal with Jack, ya stupid fuck,” he spat. His words gave himself goosebumps, breath coming in short. Even though his eyes were dry, it felt as if he could burst into tears at any moment.

Buck gave him a strange look. “I ain’t worried about that.” He truly didn’t sound like it, pushing himself off the wall with a hand. “We’re friends.”

“No, y’all ain’t,” Russell quickly rebutted. “You really think you’ll still be friendly with Jack after he finds out about—about your lifestyle?”

Buck gave him a funny look. “So what? It don’t matter none.”

“It—it does! You’re a problem now! You’re… giving him trouble.” Russell struggled to keep from shaking. “You’re his responsibility and he’s gonna hafta deal with you. Do ya realize that?”

Buck’s gaze dropped, finally understanding the gravity of his situation. Russell hated being the one to show him that. Ultimately, Buck shrugged, but it was too stiff, not as careless as he wished to come off. He did actually care, as he should. “So be it.”

He was an idiot.

The front doors led to a wide landing before the short steps down to the street. Jack glanced up as they came out, leaning against the railing. He put his phone away and straightened up. Even though he was only one year older than the other two, his build and the scruff on his jaw put him several years ahead in appearance. A tuft of brown hair poked from under the bill of his trucker hat, blue eyes piercing cold. Seeing him seized a breath in Russell’s throat, and yet, at the same time, it ran his blood warmer.

“Howdy, Jack.” Buck nodded.

“Howdy?” Jack’s eyes narrowed. “Are ya a beer short of a six pack today, Buck? What in the goddamn hell was that?”

Buck shrugged, frowning. “Jason and Caleb—”

“Jason and Caleb, Jason and Caleb,” Jack mockingly interrupted. “I don’t give a fuck about Jason and Caleb. Do I look like I give a fuck?” He stepped into Buck’s personal space, getting in his face. “About Jason and Caleb?”

Buck stood tall. “No. All I’m tryna say is, I was minding my business before they came sniffing about.”

“And I’m damn glad they did. Now, what I don’t understand is, when Russ came over to defend you, you still sided with Jason and fucking Caleb. Why? You ain’t never needed no one ta come and defend you before. Why are you letting them call ya a cocksucker, Buck?”

“’Cause I am one.”

“No.” Jack’s voice was quiet, head shaking with disappointment. “No, you ain’t.”

“I am. I can show you too.”

Jack moved quickly, swinging a punch that connected with Buck’s cheek so hard that he stumbled to find his footing. Jack grabbed his shirt and threw him onto the ground. Russell watched him with his heart in his mouth, fearful and disappointed, but still not surprised. That was the right way to react, and he knew it too, but earlier today, he’d hoped, for just a moment, that he was wrong. He’d hoped that Jack would be okay with that. That there was a world in which Jack would welcome that aspect of Buck’s—or anyone else’s—lifestyle instead of beating it out of them. Russell knew that that was what had been expected of him earlier, but he also knew that he wouldn’t be the one to do it. He couldn’t.

He couldn’t even watch.

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