Chapter 11
- seademons
- Feb 27, 2024
- 12 min read
The beginning
I was born to run, I don't belong to anyone
I don't need to be loved by you
-- Miley Cyrus, Midnight Sky
The apartment he moved into turned out to be right across campus from Ryan’s, in the nice part of town where people brought their laptops to coffee shops and worked from bookstores. If Ryan knew his brother had gotten an apartment for free and didn’t even have to pay for his own tuition, he’d lose it. He’d worked so hard for everything he had; how come Theodore had gotten it all just like that? So easy. The smart move, clearly, would be not to tell him. Theodore couldn’t even find it in himself to pay his brother a visit. Not because of the criminality on that side of town, but because he wouldn’t know what to say. He went there a couple of times, found the right building and everything, but didn’t have the guts to walk up to it. It was simple-looking, plain and white, with a couple of businesses on each side; nothing glamorous. Standing across the street killed him, but Ryan’s reaction to what he had to say was a far worse thought.
Before classes started, the girls went out to party almost every night. There were multiple clubs nearby and even more house parties to go to, invitations piling up. Theodore tagged along most of the time, but usually ended up alone as the girls scattered to meet new people and hook up with strangers. Their ability to interact with the world so easily, so naturally made him feel incredibly disconnected from it. Parties happened around him, not with him. Some days, he wanted to shout that he was alive and had feelings too, while other days just made him want to curl up into a ball and disappear.
Jessie was the first to notice Theodore’s withdrawal from society, curled up on the couch with the TV on and the lights off. She took the seat next to him and asked what was going on, the excuse he’d been waiting for to let it all out. His chest filled up, ready to bare itself open, but when his lips parted, he couldn’t do it. His hands gesticulated wildly, yet no words formed. Instead, he told her he’d been feeling pretty lonely as of late. So, she snuggled up next to him and changed the channel to a comedy. It wasn’t the end of the world, but still made him feel pretty useless; for someone with pages and pages of half-written songs that expressed every single one of his feelings, he sure couldn’t sing any of them out loud.
Ryan’s apartment consumed a larger part of his brain with each passing day. It got to the point where it became the only thing he could think of, and every day he didn’t check on it, he wondered if Laith had been there, possibly waiting for him to show up. That had been their agreement, after all. A pseudo-fix for this would be to check on the apartment as often as he could even if he didn’t approach it.
His excuse to leave so frequently and not look suspicious was a quick jog around campus, which ended up being too great of an idea, because both Jessie and Hannah decided to join him. Unable to lie his way out of their companionship, Theodore began meeting the girls early in the evening, while the sun slowly set and the air finally began to cool off. They jogged around the entire perimeter before coming back home; the atmosphere was a lot cooler by the time they returned. It was good exercise, but holy god, he should’ve come up with something less exhausting. The trajectory gave him a really good view of Ryan’s apartment though, and kept him from feeling bad for his failure to approach, since they had to keep going anyway.
Three weeks’ worth of failed attempts welcomed him with a different sight. Where there was only a wide, white wall near the entrance to Ryan’s place, now a familiar face looked back at him, far in the distance; green eyes over a cigarette, watching him jog. That almost made him lose balance, falling behind the others for a moment. They noticed it right away, and concerned, stopped to check on him.
“Are you okay?” Jessie asked, concern in her voice.
“Did you trip?” Hannah added.
Forcing his eyes away from Laith felt like peeling them off an ice pole. “Yeah, I’m fine. I, uh.” His thoughts escaped him. “I’ll catch up with you later. You can go on ahead.”
The girls stared at him. The worried scowls told him he’d failed to excuse himself.
“Why? What’s going on?” Jessie asked.
“I’ll be home later, I promise; I just—”
“Why are you ditching us?” Hannah’s voice was stern now, almost sharp enough to cut.
His half-assed attempts to leave clearly wouldn’t cut it, so he dropped the act altogether. “Okay, do you see that guy behind me? Across the street, smoking.”
The girls glanced over his shoulder.
“Yeah, he’s looking at you.” The comment left Jessie’s mouth absently, but still sent his heart flying.
“Do you know him?” Hannah raised an eyebrow.
“Yes and no. I need to talk to him, though. I promise I’ll be home later; I’ll be fine.”
Both girls squinted.
“You’ll have to tell us about him, you know.”
“I know; I’ll do it later.” He practically spoke over Hannah, dismissive.
Before he’d even finished talking, his feet had already turned around to leave, heat crawling up his neck. The girls let him go, watching him cross the street. Up the sidewalk, he turned around, abruptly on purpose, to catch them staring. That prompted them to start jogging again, continuing along the path, a wordless glance exchanged between them.
With a fresh breath in his lungs, Theodore resumed the walk to Ryan’s apartment, green eyes on him the whole time. As he got closer, Laith leaned away from the wall, cuffed pants on his legs, pulled up his calves. The camo pattern went well with the black tank top stretched across his chest, arms exposed, dog tags hanging around his neck. Had he always worn those? No, Theodore would’ve noticed them, especially if he’d had them on at the camping site.
Directly in front of Laith, he noticed how much taller he’d gotten, now at eye-level with Laith’s nose.
“I’m just not sure what to tell him and missing your visit would defeat the purpose of going at all.”
A bright grin flashed across Laith’s face just before he pulled his mask up to hide it. Still, his eyes shone. “That’s brutal.” His tone was humorous, too close to a laugh. “You missed his housewarming. He was so drunk he tried to hit on Justin. It pissed Emily way off.” Now the laugh came, a low rumble, almost polite. It was different than how he usually did it, far more controlled.
“Does she like him?”
“Justin? I don’t know. Maybe,” Laith spoke while starting up the block, prompting Theodore to follow. “She’s very protective of him. That’s a recent development too; it didn’t use to be that way, but when your brother hit on him, every siren in her head just went off. Justin thought it was funny, but Emily was not having it.”
“Is she worried Ryan’s gonna turn him or ruin him?”
“Yes.” Laith passed him a glance, an obvious grin under his mask. “Which is stupid, if you think about it. Friendships and feelings are two separate things, so why mix them together? Compartmentalize. I’m sure Justin would still be her friend while sleeping with someone she knows; he’d have to be beyond fucked up to ditch her for Ryan. Then again, it’s harder to believe he’d ever sleep with a man, but you know, if he did Ryan, it wouldn’t fundamentally change anything.”
“Hm… it sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”
Laith scoffed, a hidden grin rounding the sides of his face. “I just don’t see the big deal. Sleeping with your friends doesn’t ruin your friendship; it just gets you off with them.”
That comment held a breath in Theodore’s throat, a tingling on his cheeks. “You mean the same way sleeping with Ryan doesn’t make you hate him any less.”
Green eyes passed him a quick glance. “Is that gonna haunt me forever?”
“I don’t know. Did you break up?”
“We were never together, and listen.” Laith turned to face him, stopping in his tracks. “Ryan’s old enough to make his own choices. I promise I won’t take him away from you. You’re his brother, dude; you’ll be in his life forever.”
A scowl tugged on Theodore’s forehead. “That’s not…” He shook his head, unsure how to even begin to explain just how backwards Laith had this. “I don’t give a shit about Ryan; it’s just weird that I’m talking to the guy who fucks him.”
Laith watched him curiously. The late afternoon sun was warm, dying out behind the horizon; its last rays shone into the green of Laith’s eyes. That was when Theodore noticed a very faint discoloration near one of them, almost imperceptible at a quick glance, above what seemed to be a wound partially hidden behind his mask. Theodore’s fingers itched to pull it off.
“I hadn’t considered that.” Laith’s voice was low and serious. “I guess it is weird. I thought you didn’t like it because, well, you’re his brother and that’s what brothers do—protect each other. In my head, I was the enemy.”
“You’re a bystander at best and a victim at worst,” Theodore corrected, unable to look away from the wound, broken skin mended with a scab. It seemed old. “Ryan’s obviously the villain.”
“Are those our roles in your movie?”
“No, that’s an objective view of it. In my movie, Ryan isn’t casted.”
Laith laughed. This time, it was closer to how he usually did it, louder, wilder. It sent Theodore’s heart up his throat, feet turning to continue following him down the street.
“What happened to your face?”
The question made Laith raise a hand toward it, fingers absently fixing the mask to cover the rest of the wound. “Just a disagreement.” His tone was stiff, back straightened. “You know, I only came up because you wanted to see me. I promised we’d meet, so here I am.”
“Is my dad giving you trouble?”
Green eyes dropped for a moment, bouncing from the sidewalk to Laith’s inner thoughts, reminiscent of Carolyn’s mannerisms. At the corner, they crossed the street and kept going. Some businesses closed and others opened, streetlights flickering on, cars driving past.
“Remember how I quit working at the record store?” Laith’s voice was unreadable.
“Yeah. Do the others know yet?”
“No, but they will soon. Stanley found someone else to close it; I stopped by earlier today and we talked for a bit. It’s just a couple of blocks away, pretty close to where Ryan works, so he’ll find out soon. Anyway, that’s not why I’m up here. You’re the only reason I came.”
His heart skipped, eyebrows furrowing a bit. What was Laith getting at? At the next streetlight, they crossed for the right and started in the general direction of Theodore’s apartment, although he was pretty sure Laith didn’t know his address.
“I don’t come up anymore,” Laith continued. “It’s a bad idea for me. I’m too stupid to stay out of trouble.”
The apartment buildings on the right cast long shadows over the sidewalk, towering above the businesses across the street.
“You know, um.” Laith faltered, hesitant. “I’ll miss you, I guess is what I wanted to say. That’s really why I’m here.”
Theodore stopped dead in his tracks, turned all the way around to face Laith properly. A deep scowl dug into his forehead, pulse racing in his ears. His abrupt reaction pushed Laith to mirror it, staring back at him.
“What are you talking about?” His hands shook, so he closed them into fists. “I’m still here; you can see me anytime. I live just across campus.”
Laith tilted his head a bit. “Really? I didn’t think that was your dad’s style. I mean, good for him, but when Ryan finds out, he’s gonna kill him. Do you know how long he spent taking the bus?”
“My parents moved to Crestwood, the gated community with the big houses and the clean air. I’m living with some friends nearby, exactly so we can walk to class.”
“I’m assuming your dad’s paying for that.”
“He’s only paying for my part, but yeah, you’re right; Ryan would go ballistic anyway, which is why I can’t go up to his apartment, and I haven’t.”
“Well, I don’t really go there anymore, so if you’re ever looking for me, cross that off your list.”
“You can’t live in the tunnels.” Theodore lowered his voice. “You have to come up sometimes, and when you do, I’ll see you.”
“I’m trying not to; that’s the whole point of what we’re doing right now. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”
“But you have to; it’s an inevitability.”
“Yeah, like twice a year, and hopefully less, if I can help it.”
“What?” His heart hammered.
“Why do you think I quit working for Stanley, huh? My whole life is underground now.” Laith’s voice became firmer, but Theodore could barely hear it, a distant call in his ears. “Theo, I’m not coming up anymore. This is it.”
Worse than having the entire world disintegrate under his feet was getting pushed off the edge as it happened, arms stretched out before himself, reaching out for Laith, but too far to touch him. He could barely breathe. In the distance, a flame flickered to life, trembling with feeling, something he couldn’t recognize. It seeped into the center of his chest and kept his body warm, maybe too warm. His throat closed.
“Are you gonna make me go down to see you?” The way that question came out was violent, fists no longer trembling. He’d never addressed anyone like that before, the equivalent of asking to get spanked on the side of the road. The fire in his chest grew.
His tone dug a scowl into Laith’s forehead. “Fuck no; don’t be stupid. You’ll never get out if you do that.”
“You know I’ll do it.”
“Why would you?”
“Why?” he almost shouted, heart falling heavy against his ribs. “You’re the only one who understands how my head works. You’re stuck in it like a song on loop, and you know that. We share the same eyes; we see the same stuff. You get it.”
Suddenly, his pulse faltered, affected by a thought that rushed into his mind—was Laith his best friend? No, they’d barely even talked; that was ridiculous. For as much as Laith understood him, they just weren’t close enough for such a bold claim. He didn’t have a best friend, never had. That wouldn’t change now.
“If you leave, I’ll chase you.”
Laith shifted where he stood. “You can’t do that.” The words were small, almost tender. It made the fire in Theodore’s chest flicker. “You can’t blame me for what you do with your life. I’m not responsible for it.”
Theodore squinted. “How bad is the dark eating you up inside?”
They held the stare. Cars drove past, cruising slow, careful near campus.
“Don’t come find me,” Laith warned.
“I’m going to.”
Laith’s mask moved, but no words came out, Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. His hands closed loosely, fidgeting at his sides. Not once did the stare falter. His chest expanded with a big breath and Theodore thought of the tattoos hidden under that tank top; the face of a bleeding saint, Greek letters in a circle, Roman numerals on muscular ribs.
Laith breathed out. “I’ll come see you in two weeks. How’s that?”
Theodore grinned, warm with something a lot less dangerous than the flame from a moment ago. His visible change in humor prompted green eyes to squint down at him.
“Meet me in front of my apartment,” Theodore spoke gleefully. A laugh threatened to come out, holding onto the back of his throat.
“I don’t know where you live.”
“You’ll figure it out.”
Shaking his head, Laith turned back around, their trajectory up the street not abandoned. Naturally, Theodore followed, heart fluttering with every step.
“We’re done here,” Laith informed him, a dullness in his voice. “I’m dropping you off now.”
“Why? Do you have somewhere to be?”
“You know I do.”
Theodore’s lips pursed in response. An elbow nudged Laith in an attempt to break the tension. It both worked and didn’t, making Laith lean out of the way and shove him off, good-humored despite everything, but not fully convinced. All the shove did was push Theodore’s arm away.
“C’mon, don’t be like that,” Theodore tried, softer now, almost sweet. “I wanna talk to you. I missed you.”
“Theo…” Laith clicked his tongue. “Everything that happened with your dad was a message. You know that, right? He doesn’t want me snooping around his personal life anymore, so that’s exactly what I’m gonna do; stay away from it, all of it. That means you too.”
“Have dinner with me.” The invitation slipped out of his mouth before he could even think about it.
Green eyes briefly glanced at him. “You’re trouble, Theo.”
“I’ll get you a beer. No, I’ll get you two beers, all on me. C’mon, I wanna hear more about Ryan’s housewarming." Despite how unintentional his words had been, the only way to save face would be not only to own them, but double down and pretend they’d been completely intentional in the first place. “Please. I’ll pay.”
“With the Crows’ money. God, this is exactly what I’m talking about; it’s bad. It’s stupid. I’d have to be a fucking moron to spend another second with you.”
“So you’re coming?”
Their eyes met.
“Theodore—”
“Do not call me that.”
“Theo.” Laith sighed. “You’re gonna get me killed.”
“No, I’ll get you drunk. I’ll even let you choose the place! I’m sure there are a dozen bars around here.”
As he said that, Laith glanced off.
“Yeah, the place you’re thinking of right now; let’s go there,” Theodore pressured. “All on me.”
“God, you’re just like Ryan.”
“If I were, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t even have come see me.”
“You’re right, I’d be underground.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
The curse shot Laith’s eyebrows up his forehead, delight falling over his face. Theodore could practically see the smile hidden under his mask.
“Show me where this bar is.”
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