Chapter 15

Carried off into the sunset

Finally, a sin worth hurting for.

Finally, a sweet, a you are mine.

-- Natalie Díaz, Postcolonial Love Poem

His floor was a lot noisier than he expected it to be this early in the morning. When the girls stayed out late, they usually slept in the following day. He listened to their conversation while opening the front door, muffled at first, clearer as he walked in. They reminisced about last night, bringing up events he hadn’t experienced, but that wasn’t what piqued his interest—a male voice was present. Justin? A couple of steps further into the hall, he saw all the girls gathered at the kitchen counter with Justin among them, fully integrated into the discussion. The sight put a warm smile on his face. He knew that meant Justin and Jessie had worked things out, but honestly, at this point, nothing mattered. Love was a game of luck; the first one at the finish line won, and sometimes, a little insistence also helped.

“What’s that about a game of trivia?”

His question pulled the room’s attention so efficiently that conversation immediately ended, prompting all eyes to fall on him. Big smiles followed. As his friends cheered and loudly shouted his name, one extra person popped out of nowhere, rising above the crowd—he hadn’t expected to see Laith here. His eyebrows rose to meet his hairline. While he knew Laith and the girls had gone out together, he didn’t think Laith would’ve stuck around the next day, especially at a time like this. He either hadn’t slept a wink or had only slept for a couple of hours. Justin should be the same case.

Theodore gravitated toward the group without even thinking about it; his feet brought him forward, eyes glued on Laith’s face, the bright grin there—was he high? Were they all high? Theodore’s arrival had never received such a positive response. Justin even hugged him hello, which prompted Nadia to do the same. On the one hand, this was really nice; he’d dreamed of this sort of greeting for years, but on the other, why was it happening? He thought they were mad at him. The last time they’d talked properly had been a total disaster. Justin should be just as angry too, if not angrier than the others, but it didn’t seem anyone had filled him in, not even Jessie. Had they all become best friends while Theodore was gone, and in a drunken and sleep-deprived stupor, decided to absolve him of his crimes? It was difficult to believe they’d forget about it.

As soon as Nadia let him go, it was Laith’s turn. Two strong arms hooked around his waist, squeezing him against Laith’s chest. The movement was very quick; Laith was snuggling into the crook of his neck before he’d even managed to hug the man back. Still not satisfied, Laith proceeded to pick him up and twirl him around. Since he’d literally never experienced this before, his instincts kicked in; he grabbed the back of Laith’s jacket and bent his knees, just not high enough to wrap his legs anywhere. It’d be very easy to lock his ankles behind the low of Laith’s back, but the thought never even crossed his mind.

Briefly, he wondered if any of this was real; Laith wasn’t a very affectionate person and none of his friends should be happy to see him. Had the elevator fallen on the way to the sixth floor?

Instead of putting him down, Laith loudly bid the room goodnight and started down the hallway. Theodore quickly protested, after all, it was very rude to leave when he’d just gotten here, but everyone seemed okay with that, replying with their own goodnights. Had they stayed up waiting for him? If so, then that had been a terrible plan. They should’ve at least texted him and asked what time he’d be back, so they wouldn’t risk waiting all day. Surely, someone had thought of that… right? All he could do was grab the spikes on Laith’s jacket in a desperate attempt to latch on while his friends waved at him.

Once he was on his feet again, Laith promptly clasped a hand on his shoulder. He knew Laith hadn’t meant to be so careless, but he ended up applying a little too much weight anyway, almost shaking Theodore where he stood. He was just about to grab Laith’s arm for balance when he found his footing.

“I missed you,” Laith told him. “I missed you a whole lot.”

Theodore’s immediate reaction was to reply with a stupid joke, but the sincerity of that statement caused him to reconsider. Honesty should be appreciated, not ridiculed. “I missed you too.”

“I’m really glad you’re here.” Laith’s voice was low, accompanying that statement with a little shoulder squeeze. His words all slurred together, evidencing his lack of sobriety, but Theodore knew he meant that. It put a smile on his face—he couldn’t help it. Something had definitely happened last night to make Laith this affectionate. Theodore would’ve never dreamed of being carried away to his room, yet here they were.

“How was Streisand’s?” he tried.

The hand left his shoulder. “It was fine.”

Back to his usual and unceremonious self, Laith turned and shut the door. He moved the way Theodore had expected, clumsy and drunk. It was curious just how heavy his footfalls already were on a regular day, yet seemed to turn ten times heavier when he drank. Then again, he might be high too—Theodore couldn’t tell the difference.

“The whole place was decked out with stars and constellations and stuff,” Laith continued. “It looked cool. The girls took a bunch of pictures and posted them everywhere; I’m sure you’ve seen them. We learned about the zodiac and took some quizzes. I’m an expert now—ask me anything.”

Before he could, a hand came up to point at him.

“You’re an Aquarius.”

Laith still remembered his birthday. Every reminder wrapped his heart in silk and kissed it. He smiled, letting the man continue.

“You, my friend, are a revolutionary. An… idealist, if you will. You care about concepts, right?—concepts and uh… art. Yeah, you do; I know all about you now. You wanna make the world a better place.”

“Doesn’t everyone?”

“You’d be surprised,” Laith spoke while taking a seat on the bed.

Theodore sat next to him. “What about you?”

“I’m a hard-worker, baby; rise and grind, a hustler by nature. Watch me wake up at the crack of dawn to hit the gym and hold three jobs in twelve-hour workdays. Make ten dollars now and a fortune later. Hustle and invest, that’s my motto.”

Watching Laith spew all that bullshit while trying to take his boots off was incredibly entertaining. His fingers tugged at random, sometimes loosening up the laces, sometimes tightening them in a game of luck. Theodore could help, but decided not to.

“You sound like such a big timer.”

“Yeah, I do TED Talks now. People have earned millions with my guidance. You’re lucky I’m not charging you for this.” The first boot came off.

“How come Justin was there?”

“I don’t know.” Laith’s hands faltered, working on the laces less effectively. At one point, he stopped and straightened up just enough to turn and look Theodore in the eye. “I actually went to Ryan’s place first, ‘cause I thought he was gonna be there. Not just him, but everyone. I thought it’d be like the good old days, you know, partying together. Everyone was there, but it wasn’t the same.”

That name quickened Theodore’s pulse—he didn’t think Laith would ever want to see Ryan again. Was their falling out not enough? It was insane just how long he’d held out hope that Ryan would come around and be his friend again. While part of him fantasized about connecting his knuckles with Laith’s nose, a much bigger part just felt sad for him. If last week was any indication of Laith’s social life, then he didn’t have a lot of people in it, which explained why Ryan meant so much to him; why it was so difficult to let go.

Laith kept his eyes down. “I don’t think things will ever go back to the way they were; what we used to have is completely gone. Ryan fought me the whole time while Emily tried to calm him down and Sherry just watched. I didn’t stay long; it didn’t feel right. The whole thing was off, like the atmosphere got super heavy when I walked in. I knew they didn’t want me there, but I thought—I don’t know—that when I showed up, they’d change their minds.”

The pain on Laith’s face was visible; he either didn’t care to mask it or was too drunk to notice it. Theodore knew how important his friends were to him and how deeply this must be affecting him—had been affecting him. The confirmation of his friend group’s death seemed to finally start the process of mourning; there was no reason to hold out hope any longer. Ryan was gone. The ones who were left formed a different, much healthier group, as evidenced by the way things had gone at Streisand’s last weekend. Laith would have a much better and more supportive time with only Justin and Emily. This was good. It hurt now, but Laith was sure to appreciate it in the long run.

“I ended up going to Streisand’s because, I mean…” A shrug bounced Laith’s jacket, rivets catching in the partial light. “What the fuck was I supposed to do? Everyone was really happy to see me, which was a completely different welcome, so I stuck around and took a bunch of compatibility tests. I’m a wiser man now.” Laith went back to his boots, pulling on the strings some more.

Theodore wasn’t sure what to say. In his opinion, this topic had been dead and buried a long time ago, so if he were to say anything, he’d ask if Laith was finally ready to accept it and move on. He couldn’t possibly wait for Laith to never utter Ryan’s name again. On the other hand, the way he’d sounded just now clearly alluded to the final stage of grief—acceptance—so there really wasn’t anything to add.

Luckily, Laith spoke up. Whether he’d noticed Theodore’s lack of input or if he was just tired of speaking about it didn’t matter; Theodore was more than happy to never discuss this again. Ryan was no longer part of their lives.

“We’re a fucking disaster, by the way. Do you know how much we got on the compatibility scale?—chaos. Can you believe it?”

That put a smile on Theodore’s face. “Of course we got fucking chaos; we’re both insufferable. Have you met us?”

“Some say pretentious, I say misunderstood. Hustling is a form of art, you know. We get along because, at the end of the day, we’re the same guy—annoying and far too paradoxical. It’s impossible to hold conversation with him; he’s always talking about himself.”

“If we’re obsessed with ourselves, then our relationship is just a massive ego stroke.”

“Perfect or what?”

He grinned.

“Chaos predates the universe, you know,” Laith continued, dropping the second boot. “It’s only in the chaos before a revolution that true freedom exists. We’re artists, creators, but rather than work on a blank canvas, we create on the absence of light and color.” Laith turned to glance at him. “You’re the fuse and I’m the bomb.”

“You’re so full of shit.”

That tugged the corners of Laith’s lips into a smile.

“What about Justin and Jessie?” Theodore asked. “What did they get?”

“It was also something bad, but not chaos. Nadia and Daisy were the only ones who got a good result.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“They told me a lot of fucked up shit, by the way, that you tried to break Jessie and Justin up and had a huge fight with everyone. What the fuck was that about?”

Suddenly, his face burned. “Oh, it was just me being a complete piece of shit. I thought—okay. Justin’s had a crush on Emily forever, right? He’s clearly obsessed with her, so I thought that, if he and Jessie kept getting serious, he’d definitely end up hurting her. I mean, he’d have to leave her for Emily at one point—that’s all I said and it made them mad.”

Laith stared at him as if he had three heads. His eyebrows furrowed, eyes bouncing across Theodore’s face as he talked. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s true! Justin told me!”

“He said he’d leave Jessie for Emily?”

“No, he said she’s his best friend and that he’s in love with her. It’s obvious he and Jessie wouldn’t last; I just didn’t want her to get hurt.”

“Why would you think that’s any of your business? Jesus, Theo, that’s sociopath behavior. Just let them figure shit out for themselves, yeah? You’re not in their relationship, bro.”

He rolled his eyes despite how intensely heat radiated from his cheeks. “It’s not sociopath behavior; I was just looking out for her. I know I could’ve been nicer about it, but I was just too invested. I just—it doesn’t matter anymore. I hope they work out and that they’re happy.”

“Now I understand why they’re so fucking pissed at you. Justin should definitely feel the same way.”

“Wait, they are? I thought… well, they looked happy to see me earlier.”

“That’s because they were waiting for you so they could go to bed; they’re exhausted. I was just gonna wait by myself, but they decided to join me. They’re gonna wreck your shit tomorrow, by the way. You’ve been warned.”

“Why isn’t Justin mad?”

“Because he’s too nice. He kept defending you, you know, saying you were just being a good friend. He said he blames himself for giving you a false impression of how he feels.”

So that was why Justin had hugged him.

“I take it Nadia feels the same way.”

“She just wants everyone to get along. If you want that to happen, you’ll have to apologize to Jessie, but do it in front of Daisy. Jessie doesn’t mind if you don’t, but Daisy absolutely does.”

“Is Hannah the only one who doesn’t give a shit about this?”

“No, she’s on Daisy’s side.”

“Goddammit.”

Shaking his head, Laith got up from the bed. “You really fucked this up. Why can’t you just mind your own business, man?”

“Because I care!”

“If you did, you wouldn’t make your friends feel like shit.”

That actually sank him into the mattress—he hadn’t meant to make them feel that way. He just wanted everyone to be happy and cared for with partners who put them first, but what he hadn’t realized then was that this sort of thing didn’t always happen. It was called a fairytale for a reason. Sometimes, people ended up with the second best choice, which wasn’t exactly what they wanted, but gave them just enough to keep them satisfied. If he was Laith’s second—or thirtieth—choice, it didn’t matter, because Laith was his first. In the end, he’d gotten what he’d wanted.

“I’m sorry; I’ll apologize tomorrow.”

Laith had only gotten up from the end of the bed to lie on it properly, or as properly as he considered lying fully dressed on top of the sheets to be. He didn’t do that in his apartment, but in here, he’d never slept like a normal person. Did he not feel welcome? Theodore had acted perfectly at home at Laith’s place the whole week through. Was he supposed to invite him?

“You can get under the sheets, you know. It’s been getting pretty cold.”

“I’m fine.”

After kicking his shoes off, Theodore got up to shrug his jacket down both arms. Laith watched him leisurely, lying with his hands in his jacket pockets, as casual as if he were leaning on the wall of a club. God, that was so weird. Was he worried he’d have to jump out of bed and run off at any moment?

“Can you at least move so I can get under the sheets?” he asked.

“Sure.” Laith got out of bed completely. “Get comfortable, and when you’re done, I’ll get in.”

Theodore turned to stare at him, watching him lean on the edge of the desk, hands still hidden. It was only near the window, under the hazy sunlight, that he noticed Laith was wearing the dog tags again. The sight brought him a flood of interesting memories, mostly of their first time here, when he’d yanked Laith down into his first kiss. He remembered it as if it were yesterday, the adrenaline in his veins, the pride that had inflated his ego. He’d finally managed to fool around with his forever crush, after all. Not everyone had the same luck, or in his case, tact. Taking a step closer, he took the dog tags in a hand, fingers tracing the shiny edges, light catching over the smooth surface—he’d done it. Sometimes, that still slipped his mind, but the fact Laith had gone out with his friends, then come back here and waited for him was evidence that he’d finally done it. Laith was finally his.

A small step closed the distance between them; his arms slipped under Laith’s jacket and held him, face buried into his neck, feet intertwined. Laith hugged him back just as naturally, keeping him close in a firm embrace that wasn’t too tight. As his knees bent, they swayed to the side a bit; he knew Laith wouldn’t let him slip away. The grip around his body tightened.

This tiny little bit of affection had seemed impossible just a few days ago. As the thought crossed his mind, he realized he’d never found out what had impacted Laith so much. If he had to guess, it was probably the falling out at Ryan’s stupid party, but it might’ve been something else—there was one card he still hadn’t played.

“Did you run into anyone at the party?” he asked, because maybe Hwan was to blame.

“Not this time. I don’t know why, but he wasn’t there tonight. Guess he doesn’t give a shit about the stars.”

Alright, so it had to have been Ryan. In all honesty, he shouldn’t be surprised; his brother was always at the root of every negative feeling Laith had ever had.

“I take it you had fun then,” he commented. “Last night was good.”

“Would’ve been better with you.”

He smiled even though part of him wanted to punch his boyfriend. Ryan’s party had really messed Laith up.

“How was it with your parents?” Laith asked.

“Shit…. Where do I even start?” His body moved just a bit away, so their eyes could meet. When he glanced up, he already found Laith staring back at him. “So much happened,” he continued. “I told my parents how I’ve been feeling and I guess that freaked them out because they called in a therapist to evaluate me. We talked for a whole hour this morning just so she could tell me I’m fine and normal.”

“Wow, that’s… actually very thoughtful. I know money isn’t an issue for them, but like, that stuff’s expensive; not everyone can get a same-day appointment in their own house. They’re worried about you.”

It’d been a next-day appointment, but Laith’s point still stood.

“They’re always worried about me,” he stated. “I also came out.”

Laith’s eyes widened, eyebrows up on his forehead. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah. Their response wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t… bad, I guess. They pretty much ignored half of what I said, like they know I’m interested in guys, but in their minds, I’ll never actually get with one. They weren’t surprised, but also, they didn’t really listen to me.”

“Wait, so your dad’s okay with that?”

“Yeah. Like I said, he’s convinced I’ll end up with a girl anyway. If I tell him I’m seeing a guy, I bet he wouldn’t even care. He might not even believe me.”

“I thought he’d have a stronger reaction, I mean, he’s pretty unrelenting. I guess he’s different with you.”

“He’s been acting super weird since I told him how I’m feeling, like walking on eggshells and not fighting me on stuff. Makes me feel like I could go stupid and tell him everything. I won’t, obviously, but… you know. I think about it sometimes.”

“He’s super worried about you.”

“I know. I could mess him up; tell him I’m going crazy and use that as an excuse to do whatever I wanted. I don’t think he’d last a day without hitting me.”

“Your dad accepts you and the first thing you wanna do is push his buttons until he breaks? Maybe you are fucking crazy.”

He laughed. “It’s just weird! He’s being weird!”

“Better weird than back to normal, right? At least he’s not beating the gay out of you.”

“I mean… I guess. He’s just unpredictable this way and I don’t like it. At least I could read him before. He doesn’t know about the video, though, which is good.”

“I know; Punjab told me.”

“You saw him last night?”

“Yeah, it was a quick thing. The tunnels are pretty obsessed with you and I guess I wanted to see just how bad it was.”

“What do you mean, obsessed?”

“I mean…” One of Laith’s shoulders raised into a half-shrug. If he weren’t holding Theodore right now, that hand would definitely have come up to accompany the gesture. “You’re famous now.”

“Because of the video?”

“Yeah. Do you have any idea how massive the repercussions were? I have like, a cult following obsessed with you—with both of us.”

He never thought being in Laith’s life would give him any notoriety, since Justin and the others had been with Laith for years without sharing the spotlight. Not to mention all the nameless people Laith constantly slept with, so why him? It didn’t make any sense. Surely, Burman had other debt collectors too, but Theodore had never heard of those guys.

“Why are you so fucking famous? I know Burman has other people who work for her, but you’re the famous one—why?”

“Because—” Laith glanced up at the ceiling, chest expanding with a breath. The hold around Theodore squeezed. “It’s Ben’s fault.”

God, he kept forgetting the Serpent’s name was fucking Ben. It felt like a slap in the face every time. It was the equivalent of hearing a deep and resonating voice only to find out it belonged to a 5’5 twig of a man.

“He’s one of Burman’s dogs—has been for as long as I’ve known him. He has a big following because he knows a lot of people.”

“Isn’t he like, a horrible person?”

“Yeah.”

“Then why is Burman letting him work for her?”

“He’s good at what he does, which is, you know… beating people into a pulp.”

“I thought the dogs worked for you.”

“No, they just help me sometimes. Burman knows not to pair us up, though.”

“I see.”

Laith kept his eyes off to the side, not staring at anything in particular, probably lost in the depths of his own thoughts. The look on his face was so grave that Theodore barely recognized him. For the first time, his eyes had no shine; dark and hollow. His jaw was set tight, bottom lip almost pursing—better change the subject.

“Does therapy work?”

His voice pulled Laith’s attention back to him, and as soon as their eyes met, his entire mood changed. In one blink, his eyes were bright and full of life again. “Does therapy work?” Laith echoed. “Of course it does. I mean, if you’re willing to do the work, it does.”

“What’s the work?”

“Usually, it’s something you have to work on yourself or relationships you should reassess. It really depends on the person. Fred used to give me a list of things to do at the end of each session, which was mostly like, things I had to think about.”

Huh.

“Dr. Miller didn’t give me any homework.”

“Probably because it was a one-time thing. If you pick it up, she’ll give you stuff to do.”

All the more reason to go back next weekend.

“She said she can’t prescribe me anything because she’s a therapist, but isn’t that what Fred is too?”

“No, he’s a psychiatrist; it’s just that everything is called therapy. Technically, what we do is psychotherapy.”

“Oh… wait, so how do I know which kind of doctor I need?”

“It’s trial-and-error, or it was for me. Someone referred me to him after the hospital, which is how we met, but I don’t think you need a psychiatrist. See Miller a couple more times; it might work out.” Laith shrugged. “You’ll find someone eventually.”

“I’m just worried she can’t prescribe me stuff because—” This next part was going to sound super lame, but he had to say it. “—my mom gave me Prozac; she said it’s what I need.”

“And you took it?”

“Yeah. Shouldn’t I have?”

“Uh, no. You can see both a therapist and a psychiatrist if you want, but you shouldn’t just take stuff. I’m sure once is fine, but seriously, you should talk to someone before taking more.”

“Oh, you can see both? Then—didn’t you say Fred wanted to speak to me? I’ll make an appointment and see what he says.”

“Sure, I’ll give you his number.”

He smiled. “Psychiatrist buddies.”

Laith was just short of rolling his eyes, unimpressed. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“What, you don’t want me to see him?”

“No, it’s just—it’s just lame. We’re fucking pathetic.”

He couldn’t help the laughter that came with that.

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