Chapter 4

IN THE END, UNCLE JOHN HAD ALLOWED BUCK TO REJOIN HIS TUTELAGE. THAT was the official name, although, in reality, it was just an excuse for him to spend time with his son and his nephew. He drove them around three times a week, teaching them how to be future cops, which sometimes meant letting them kick civilians in the stomach and shoot paper cutouts at the police station. He’d taught them how to fight and how to shoot, which Jack and Russell had taken to like ducks to water, diligent students of violence.

Buck’s addition to the group had been Uncle John’s idea. He’d asked Jack to get a couple of big guys to join them on patrol, and when he saw that Jack had only brought Russell, he’d scratched the scruff on his chin and told him to get Buck Allen too. Weren’t they always fighting him? He knew how to take a beating; he’d do great here. Jack had only hesitated for a moment, not once questioning his pa. Buck was too cocky, always picking fights, afraid of nothing. The same reasons Jack disliked him for were the ones his pa liked him for. The ease with which he’d learned everything Uncle John had taught him only served to intensify Jack’s hatred for him. Not that he struggled, never behind; he just wished Buck wasn’t right there with him all the time. His need to stand out was embarrassing. Buck wasn’t a threat to him; he couldn’t change the fact that Jack was his pa’s only son.

Jack’s only real defense was that his pa clearly did have a soft spot for Buck. They got along like a house on fire, which made sense, considering who his ma was. Ms. Lola and Uncle John had history. When Jack and Russell had first started going on patrol with him—two years ago now—they’d both picked up on the fact that he treated Ms. Lola differently. They’d always been much closer than everyone else in town. So, one day, Jack asked him about it. His reply was simple: they used to be high school sweethearts. Even though they weren’t nearly as close as they used to be, they were still good friends. It was Jack who ended up putting two and two together: the fights with his ma, the strip clubs, the fact that Ms. Lola used to be a stripper. She was clearly the reason his pa used to go there. Then, she became a bartender at the Corral, and suddenly, Uncle John was a patron. Jack had always found that interesting. In a suspicious way.

There was no consistency between Uncle John and Ms. Lola, no real commitment. If they were on good terms, they’d meet up on-and-off for a few months and eventually stop again. The fighting with Aunt Marge would end and things would get better for a while, but Uncle John was never truly satisfied. Russell didn’t know what he was looking for. He kept going back to Ms. Lola like she was an escape. From what, Russell couldn’t tell. Uncle John had clearly chosen to marry Aunt Marge and have kids with her. If he wanted Ms. Lola, he could’ve had her. He could’ve had anyone in this town.

His favoritism really showed after the bashing. It’d only taken him a few days of deliberation to welcome Buck back. They never spoke about it, acting like it’d never happened. The closest he ever got to mentioning it was when he’d ask Buck if he’d be going to church that Sunday. Buck always grinned big and wide before lying.

Despite how much Buck annoyed Jack, there weren’t any more bashings. Jack took them seriously. Whenever he and Russell trained, they went to the gym and got geared up, because Jack wasn’t going to play with him. He fought to win. Even when they were only practicing, he still gave it his all. He would only lay another finger on Buck if he deserved it. Being mildly annoyed was no justification. Jack wasn’t one to lose his head very easily, not anymore. On the one hand, that meant Russell and Buck could relax around him, knowing they wouldn’t get attacked out of nowhere, but when Jack’s hand really was forced, he became a completely different person. Russell wished he could say that the Jack that had hurt Buck was a stranger, but the reality was that he’d seen that guy far too many times before. He came out when Jack put his emotions away, coldly executing an uncomfortable task. Russell had seen him break bones without so much as flinching. Still, despite everything, he looked up to Jack, and when Jack looked back at him, his attention felt like the Fourth of July.

His plans to see Buck alone were scheduled for that Thursday. The full realization of what they were doing only dawned on him when Buck texted him for the first time. Even though they’d known each other their entire lives, they’d only ever sent each other funny videos, not entire sentences. Buck explained that he’d be taking a shower and having nachos with his ma before coming over, which would probably be around eight. Staring at the secret texts on his phone, Russell had a feeling that what they were doing was wrong. It was strange to be making plans with someone else when Jack was the only person he’d ever made one-on-one plans with before. While he’d kept things from Jack, this meetup felt like more of an obvious betrayal. He had to remind himself that he was doing this for Buck, even though the bashing wasn’t his fault. It just so happened that it wasn’t Buck’s either.

He and Buck had never been friends. While they saw each other every day and were closer than any other students in their school, he’d never really thought of Buck as a friend before. Jack was a friend. Jack was his best friend. They’d grown up together, joined at the hip from the very beginning. It was him and Jack. And Jack and him. And then there was also Buck, who neither one of them really liked, but put up with because Uncle John had told them to. His tutelage had brought them together and Russell’s play fights with Buck had definitely coaxed them into being friendlier with each other, but Russell still didn’t consider them friends. Buck was just someone he spent way too much time with, who had only recently stopped annoying him as much.

He used to really hurt Buck. He used to get home late at night and wash Buck’s blood off his hands. He didn’t even know why; Buck just knew how to annoy him, but that wasn’t why he’d let loose. He’d done it because he could. Buck had given him excuses upon excuses to channel the rage that festered inside him, and since Buck was bigger than him, no one had ever found it necessary to step in. Russell was the underdog. The fact that he’d won almost every single one of their fights only meant that he could hold his own. That was no longer the case, though. He couldn’t bear the thought of hurting Buck again. He didn’t want to feel that kind of rage anymore.

As the clock approached eight, he grew anxious. This seemed so intimate, him and Buck alone together. Did Buck know this didn’t mean anything? That Russell was only doing it out of pity? He didn’t even like Buck. He paced around the kitchen, thinking back on their parting conversation yesterday, Buck’s delight when Russell had suggested hanging out without Jack. There was nothing they ought to be doing without Jack, anyway. He shouldn’t have opened his big fat mouth.

He left his house with a six pack. Whatever they would be doing, he’d rather be drunk for. It seemed that Buck had thought the same thing, because when Russell climbed into his truck, he found another six pack in the back seat. He ignored the quick pounding of his heart.

“Well, Buck, what are we in for? Target or Walmart?”

“I was thinking the state park.”

Russell stared at him. While that was a perfectly normal suggestion, the fact that Jack had taken Mim Baker’s virginity there just couldn’t leave his mind.

“I’m thinking we shoot the bottles,” Buck explained. “I have a twenty-two rifle in the back.”

“Oh.” Breath filled his lungs. “Alright, yeah. That sounds cool.”

They didn’t actually drive into the park; that was just what they called the surrounding area. Arma was deep in the Chihuahuan Desert, and while the state park was a small part of it, that wasn’t what Buck had had in mind. He pulled off the main road just before the park and followed a dirt road around it. This was what Russell had envisioned, too. It was a popular spot among their high school peers, where they knew no one would bother them. It was probably where Jack had brought Mim Baker also.

Music filled the air, some playlist that Buck had downloaded on his phone. The two six packs were placed on the bed of the truck as they climbed in, sitting across from each other. It wasn’t very comfortable, but it beat sitting in the dirt. The sun hadn’t fully set yet, about half an hour away from total darkness. A soft orange glow warmed Buck’s skin. He opened his first bottle with an easy flick of the wrist. Russell tried not to stare, suddenly feeling awkward. He held his beer by the neck.

Buck made a show of sighing very deeply. “Ah, free at last!”

“Oh, fuck off.”

Buck grinned. “It really ain’t his fault that he wasn’t brought up right. Did ya see the look on his face when the Sheriff told me I’d done a good job today? Like he was tryna burn me alive, God bless him.”

Russell rolled his eyes. “Yes, I’m aware he’s your favorite guy.”

“Tell me he don’t think the sun comes up just ta hear him crow. You’re a good friend, Russ, for putting up with the likes a him.”

“I’m a better friend for putting up with you, so hush.”

“You are who you are. I ain’t claiming to understand ya.”

“And here I thought I’d made myself clear, that you’re nothing but a charity case ta me.”

Buck hummed. His eyes glinted, lips still curled into a smile. “Sure, Russ. You’re here ‘cause I’m nothing if not a charity case.”

“That’s right.”

Something about Buck’s good-humored smile reached deep inside him. This warmth was unexpected. He disliked it.

“Well, it’s just like you ta start this off on the wrong foot.” Russell took a long swig of his beer.

“I just thought you’d appreciate the topic, seeing as you can’t get enough of it. Are ya really cousins?”

Offense brought color to his face. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I know that elevator don’t go all the way to the top, Buck, but if you’re looking for a good time tonight, I suggest you pick a different person ta slander.”

“Oh, sure. How’s Mim Baker?”

His eyes narrowed. “How’s Jason Morris?”

Surprise lifted Buck’s eyebrows, eyes widening. “Why, mighty fine, I reckon. Why bring him up?”

Russell flashed him a brief frown. “For the same reason you brought Mim Baker up. After all, our lifestyles are real different.”

Intrigue put a slight crease between Buck’s eyebrows, mild amusement on his features. He sized Russell up. “I didn’t know about you and Mim Baker. Congratulations.”

His heart shot for his throat. “Congrats to you and Jason Morris, then.”

“Oh, we ain’t together. It was a one-time thing.”

Russell’s blood cooled into ice. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be. Some pots really are just too crooked for a lid ta fit.”

Russell had stopped listening about halfway into that last sentence. His mind was somewhere else completely. “What—?” Even though he caught himself, his curiosity was far too great. His pulse raced. “What did you…?”

Buck bounced his eyebrows, waiting for him to finish.

“What did y’all do together?” Russell choked out. Embarrassment and regret set his face on fire.

“Nothing you and Mim Baker ain’t done, I reckon.”

He swallowed around a lump. “We ain’t done nothing, Buck. I was playing.”

“What, she ain’t your type, Russ?”

“No.”

“Not a tits guy?” Buck grinned.

Russell rolled his eyes again. “I’d prefer it if my date weren’t in love with my cousin or tryna sleep with him at every turn, if possible.”

“That’s high standards in Arma. You might hafta look elsewhere.”

“I’ll tell you what.” Russell stared at the half empty bottle in his hands. “Did ya mean that about Jason?”

“Yup, he done sold me out. Probably scared that I’d tell on him, so he told on me first. Coward.”

“I’m surprised that happened at all, considering…” he trailed off.

There was no response from Buck. His silence pulled Russell’s eyes up only to see him waiting for Russell to finish that train of thought. Russell felt his face flush.

“Ya know.” He waved vaguely. “Considering you’re a guy and he’s a guy and he ain’t, ya know… like you.”

Buck squinted. “You a virgin, Russ?”

Russell’s eyes could’ve popped right out of his skull. “What?”

“Do ya know anything about sex at all?”

“Yeah,” he nearly stuttered, answering far too quickly. “Why?”

“Ya ever hooked up? I don’t mean a date or bringing a girl back home, I mean a quickie, like, in the heat a the moment kinda thing. Ya ever done that?”

Russell stared at him. “Is that what happened? Where?”

“In the locker room.”

“How?”

A wide grin cut across Buck’s face. “Well, ain’t you a big fat virgin, Russ.”

Russell scowled. “I don’t… understand.”

“When ma and pa love each other very much…”

Russell gave him a very unimpressed look. Frustration lit a fire inside him. “I’m asking you about Jason Morris and you’re talking about me. So, who’s the idiot? ‘Cause I ain’t seeing a correlation here.”

“We hooked up after everybody left. It ain’t rocket science.”

“How did ya know?”

“Know what?”

“That he was like that.” His thoughts left his mouth before he had a chance to veto them. He held Buck’s gaze despite the pounding in his heart.

“’Cause a the way he looked at me.”

There wasn’t a single response in Russell’s mouth, brain filled with unanswered questions. His confusion must’ve shown on his face, prompting Buck to continue.

“He looked at me like he wanted ta eat me. You’d know that if you’d ever been with anyone.”

He didn’t dare break the stare, afraid that his eyes would betray him and reveal something that he didn’t want Buck to know. “Did ya… kiss him?”

Buck nodded.

“Is it very different from kissing a girl?”

“I couldn’t tell ya.”

He pictured the boy’s locker room, full after practice. Buck and Jason catching sight of each other through the crowd. While Russell wasn’t really sure about the look Buck had mentioned, he could only imagine what Jason had been feeling, the fire that had burned in his chest and probably shown on his face too. His imagination ran rampant, putting Jason on Buck, pinning him against the lockers, kissing him with teeth and tongue.

Looking away, Russell finished the rest of his beer.

“You ever kissed a girl?” Buck asked.

Russell shook his head and set his empty bottle aside.

“You ain’t done nothing at all?”

“Shut up.” Russell kicked him. “All the girls in our school are sluts.”

“And?”

Russell got up and vaulted over the side of the truck. “Let’s shoot some fucking rounds.” He walked off without glancing back at Buck, totally over this conversation.

The rifle was on the floor of the truck in a protective bag. Even though Russell had never handled a rifle before, he couldn’t imagine it was much different from any other gun. It weighed very little, small like a toy. His practice with other guns allowed him to figure out the magazine and the bolt on his own. He found a full clip in the bag and slipped it into the gun without much trouble. Pulling on the bolt handle allowed him to see the chambered bullet. It was so small that, if he didn’t know this was a real gun, he might’ve doubted these could kill.

He heard Buck hop off the truck, and turning around, found him with the unfinished six pack plus the two empty bottles they’d just finished. The sun was nearly gone now, painting the sky in blues and oranges. Soon, he wouldn’t be able to see Buck at all.

“Before we move on,” Buck started. He talked while approaching the driver’s side and climbing in. “Only virgins think sluts ain’t got nothing to offer them, ‘cause once you’ve been with one, you ain’t never going back to the trenches, I’ll tell you what.” Both the headlights and the floodlights came on.

Ignoring him, Russell circled to the front of the truck. He leaned against the grille and fiddled with the gun while Buck set up the bottles. He’d parked facing the hillside. After placing the bottles on some rocks, he walked back to Russell.

“Well, go ahead, sharpshooter. Do the honors.”

Russell brought the rifle close to his face, awkwardly hunching into it to peer through the sights. It took some adjusting for the sights to line up, but even then, he didn’t feel very confident in his positioning. It felt wrong.

“Ya ever shot a rifle before, Russ?”

“Yes!” he shouted, properly annoyed now. All these questions were starting to make him feel like he had no life experience at all. Jack had never made him feel this way, despite having done way more than him. “This one is just too darn little, alright? Give me a minute!”

“Push it into your shoulder.”

“I know that!”

“Russ—”

“Shut up!”

Buck complied.

Russell was far too agitated to focus. If he wanted to do this, he had to calm down, so he breathed in deep and forced himself to relax. He minded the shape of the rifle and how weightless it felt in his hands, slowly growing used to the butt that pushed into his shoulder. It still felt a little awkward to have to hunch into it, but that was the only way he could see anything. His face was uncomfortably close to the stock. Aiming at an empty bottle, he took the first shot. The bottle shattered.

Buck jumped up and hollered, startling Russell, but Russell managed not to let that show. He set up the next shot and took it. This time, a full bottle exploded and Buck’s celebration was expected. Russell got the hang of it in no time, shooting six bullets into six bottles. The sights made it easy for him not to miss one. When he was done, he aimed the gun up and passed it over to Buck.

“Nice shooting, Tex.” Buck grinned.

“Yeah, yeah.”

They took turns shooting up the other six pack, then shattering the bigger glass shards until the clip ran dry. The hillside ate all their bullets. There wasn’t much talking as they’d focused, which allowed Russell a proper moment to calm down. He completely forgot they were on their own or anything they’d talked about earlier. It was only when they climbed back into the truck and began the drive back to town that he remembered how monumentally weird this was, hanging out and having fun with Buck as if they were friends. The silence in the cabin only intensified that feeling, not offering him much distraction. What had Buck gotten out of this? His blood cooled with the thought that he might’ve considered it a date.

“We ain’t friends,” Russell quickly blurted out. “I hope ya know that.”

Buck passed him a brief glance. “The fuck we ain’t. The hell?”

Embarrassment strangled him. “Ya ain’t done nothing but piss me off my whole life, Buck. The hell did ya expect? That one evening would undo all that?”

“Oh, hush, now. We’ve been getting along just fine these days.”

“That don’t mean nothing.”

“What, you’re telling me this wasn’t fun?”

“Sure was, but you’re still getting on my nerves, making me question why we even talk.”

“Oh, don’t be like that. I was just teasing.”

“Yeah, most times. That’s why I put up with you, but…” He faltered. “Ya know, there’s oughta be a limit.”

“A limit?” Buck scoffed.

“Yes, a goddamn limit! You… get with Jason, like that means anything, and I’m uncultured for not knowing nothing about that. You’re a freak!”

“What? No, Russ. I was surprised ‘cause you ain’t been with nobody.”

“That ain’t news!”

“It was ta me. If I’d known, I would’ve given ya hell already.”

“When have I ever mentioned a lady!?”

“You’re always so goddamn private. How was I supposed ta know there ain’t never been a lady?”

“Pull over.”

“Oh, c’mon, now.”

“I said pull over!”

“And then what? You’ll walk the rest a the way back?”

Russell forced the door open. He had to put a lot of weight onto it, or the wind would slam it back shut. Taken by surprise, Buck immediately slowed down and pulled over. Once the truck stopped, Russell opened the door all the way.

“Ya know, you ain’t entitled ta my time and patience like you think you are. I ain’t gonna sit here and listen ta your hogwash like I ain’t got a choice. If you’re looking for a doormat, go ta Walmart!” Russell hopped off and shut the door.

Buck rolled the window down. “You don’t hafta get so pissy about it, Russ. Why don’t ya take it as a compliment? I honestly thought you were getting pussy.”

“What!? That… has nothing to do with what I’m talking about! Do ya realize that I’m the only idiot in this town who wouldn’t bash you over the head after hearing about Jason!? Why aren’t you glad about that, for a change?”

“I realize that and I’m very glad about it. That’s why I’m here with you and not Jason Morris.”

Russell paused. His face tingled. “And why would you be here with him?”

“That’s my point: I wouldn’t. I think you’re a fine friend, even if you’ve only got one oar in the water. I like that you don’t wanna kill me like everybody else does.”

“Haven’t you got a funny way a showing that.”

“Get back in here.”

Russell grabbed the door handle, hesitating. “Tell me you ain’t gonna talk about hookups no more.”

“I won’t.”

He reluctantly got in.

“I won’t tell you that, is what I mean,” Buck clarified.

Russell promptly whipped around, staring at him under a hard scowl.

“I’m kidding!” Buck laughed. “I won’t talk about hookups no more, pinky promise.”

“Oh, I hate you.”

“Naw, ya don’t.”

Buck pulled back onto the road. The floodlights allowed him to see decently far ahead despite the lack of streetlights. The evening had brought cooler temperatures, but even then, the air was still hot and stale. Arma was always hot and stale. Buck kept the cabin nice and cool, though.

“You say we ain’t friends, but you sure have been acting like one lately.” Buck’s voice was quiet. He kept his eyes on the road, ignoring Russell’s gaze. “I’ve noticed that.”

“Some people are decent.”

“And some people are you.” Buck grinned.

Russell punched him in the shoulder, making him laugh.

It was nearly eleven when Buck pulled up to Russell’s address. The lights in his house were all off, two trucks in the carport. His pa was definitely asleep by now. He hadn’t had a curfew in a very long time, responsible enough to carry out his obligations without bothering his pa. He could come and go whenever he pleased. His pa worked late hours anyway, mostly unaware of Russell’s daily activities. The school never called, and since his brother-in-law was the sheriff, he knew he didn’t have anything to worry about. Russell could take care of himself.

“I had fun tonight,” Russell blurted out. Then, realizing how candid he’d just been, he added: “Ya know, despite losing my mind and wanting to hurt ya. It was fine.”

“Oh, that part was my favorite.”

“I betcha it was.” He hopped off, lingering by the door. “Are you coming to the Lagoon tomorrow?"

“No chance. I’m driving to El Paso.”

“What? Why?”

“’Cause El Paso’s a real town with a real nightlife that ain’t two bars and a club owned by the same family.”

“You’re going all the way over yonder just for a bar?”

“A gay bar.”

Russell’s face colored. “Oh.” He should’ve thought of that.

“I’ll be back on Saturday, if ya feel like hanging out then.”

“Okay.” He continued to linger. “Yeah, we’ll be at the Corral on Saturday.”

“I know.”

Russell stepped away, not swinging the door shut just yet. His mind had been stuck on that gay bar since Buck had mentioned it. Questions began to pile up. “What’s this bar like?”

“Like any ol’ bar, ‘cept it’s full a gays.”

“Yes, I…” Russell shook his head. “What’s so different about it? Is it like—like a sex bar?” He practically whispered that second part, too embarrassed to say it loudly.

Buck’s lips widened into a very cryptic smile. “Yeah, Russ. We fuck on tables and join orgies. Admission’s a blowjob.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

“Hey, if you’re so curious, I’ll swing by and pick you up. You can practice your admission on the way there.”

Russell shut the door. Instead of rolling down the window, Buck just offered him a parting grin. Briefly flipping him off, Russell turned around and started along the driveway. He should be disturbed by that. Had Buck mentioned that bar to anyone else, they would’ve probably thrown up, and while Russell’s stomach did feel funny, it wasn’t out of disgust. His curiosity was starting to scare him.

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